Since little I played sports. So my friends played sports. Then I went to the US and became a student-athlete. That is, I joined the university’s soccer and tennis team.

No wonder this became part of my identity. And I notice that I started seeing my success or failures in sports as a proxy for how “good” or “valuable” I am as a person. So every match became an opportunity to show to myself how worthy or worthless I am. And as silly as it is, I still get nervous sometimes.

Of course, it doesn’t make sense. I know that how I perform has little bearing on me as person. Playing football is a hobby, something I do for fun. But here we are.

More surprisingly, I realize now that that sweetness that comes from a good match is the same bitterness after a poor performance. Maybe the highs don’t come without the lows.

Now, is it a bad thing? I don’t know. Maybe I’m actually really good, so I have more good matches than bad ones. Maybe the whole thing just doesn’t make sense and I should focus on a more faithful translation of what my value is. Or maybe it’s just part of me, that is disciplined, that pushes, that still have a place in the person I’ve become and the person that I want to be. Maybe.